WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
C. Bishop
I was watching TV;
A commercial came on;
The first line in the commercial was: "We live in an amazing age".
I thought: "Every age was amazing... Adam was amazed!"
God, walking in the Garden, says: "I want you to name every living creature."
After quite a long while on the job, Adam finally sticks his head in the water and says:
"Whoa! Fish!"
He quickly realizes there are all kinds of a whole bunch of different fish;
So he says: "Okay, start with this one - Trout!"
Then he goes: "Uh Oh... there's different kinds of Trout."
"Okay... Rainbow Trout!"
"Brown Trout!"
"Grayling!"
"Oh mannn! This could take a while!!!"
A couple hundred years later he comes up for air and says...
"Hey, Eve! Ya got anything to eat?!"
And that's how it happened! Amazing!
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Big controversy here in New Mexico: There are ancient drawings on several rock formations in the State. These drawings have been referred to as "Rock Art" for who knows how many hundred years. Now the American Indians (oops! I mean, "Native Americans") say they are offended by the term "Rock Art".
So the "politically correct" crowd wants to call them "Petroglyphs".
"Petroglyphs"?!!!
Well, I say that's just totally inappropriate!
Petra is a Greek/Hebrew word
and
o'glyphs is obviously Irish!
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I was sitting in a friend’s office. On the other side of the room, he had his waste-basket way back under his desk so that, if you leaned forward, did an underhand, and got a good ricochet, you might get something in it. Leaning back, I flipped a wad of paper overhand and it went right in…
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “That was pretty good! You should have been a basketball player!”
“Nah…” I said, “the only time I ever played basketball I had hard luck.”
So he says, “Hard luck? Whattaya mean, ‘Hard Luck’?”
“Ah…” I said, “I sprained an ankle.”
Real sarcastic, he says, “Oh that was really hard luck!”
“No, really…” I said, “I’ve been ‘hard luck’ all the way around!”
“Whattaya mean?” he wanted to know.
“Well…” I explained, “the only time I went sleigh-riding, I broke an arm; the only time I went skiing, I broke a leg; the only time I went hunting, I got shot.”
He goes, “Wow! Shot! Really?”
Tugging at my pants-leg, I said, “Yeah… you want to see the scars?”
He says, “No, no…” and, after thinking a second, asks, “You ever try sex?”
I answered, “Yeah… twice… I’ve got two kids.”
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TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU’RE BORED…
10) Look down it at somebody (Pride)
09) Poke it into someone else’s business (Strife / Dissension)
08) Snoop around with it (Nosey / Gossip)
07) Get it out of joint (Anger)
06) Cut it off to spite your face (Bitterness)
05) Pay through it (Materialism)
04) Find something right under it (Love / Salvation)
03) See past it (Eternity / Hope)
02) Keep it clean (Humility / Obedience)
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE…
01) Get it stuck in a book (The Bible!)
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Having successfully completed a project, I took my team to a nearby Mexican restaurant for lunch. I ordered “Huevous Rancheros” which, as you know, is a very sloppy dish. So, when the food arrived, I thought I would give the guys an education…
Lifting my tie up over my shoulder, I explained, “This is why you wear a tie to work. At lunch you should put your tie over your shoulder. That way, if you spill something down the front of your shirt, when you get back to the office your tie will cover it up and you will still look professional.” Then…
…leaning forward to take the first bite, my tie flopped right flat out in the dish!
Needless to say, the hysterics grew only more and more boisterous as I struggled to free myself without making matters even worse. And, by the way, I don’t wear ties anymore.
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To illustrate the power in words of truth, consider the simple act of driving a nail: I begin to drive the nail and I hit my stupid thumb with the blag-dag hammer! What do I say? “Hare Krishna!” Nobody says, “Hare Krishna” when they hit their thumb with a hammer! Not even Hare Krishnas say, “Hare Krishna”. When they hit their thumb people say, “Jesus Christ!” Why? Because there is power in the Name of the Lord. Because He is Truth! If I were to say, “Hare Krishna” when I hit my thumb with a hammer, the biggest reaction I might get would be a funny look which would say, “What’s with him?” But if I say, “Jesus Christ” I’d get, “What’s the matter?! Did you hit your thumb?! Are you okay?! How bad is it?! Can I kiss it and make it better?!”
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SPEAKING IN TONGUES…
One beautiful summer day when I was in about the fourth grade, I was walking across the playground when I heard something behind me. I looked and there was this big, ugly, vicious, mean 'n wild red-eyed dog charging me, growling, snapping, slobbering, obviously intending to tear my skin off in big, ragged patches!
I faced him, raising my arms to get as "big" as I could, and barked the fiercest series of barks I could muster. Now, I have no idea what I said in "dog", but he turned tail and ran, whimpering the whole way. At the time, I didn't know to thank the Lord... I do now.
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At our house we always opened our presents on Christmas morning. I remember the first year my daughters were really, really, really looking forward to Christmas…
On Christmas Eve morning they jumped out of bed, ran into the kitchen, and hollered, “Today’s the night we get up in the morning!”
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I am NOT hard of hearing! I am not hard of hearing but, sometimes… well, sometimes the words I hear just don’t seem to register quite right:
A group of us were enjoying coffee together and one of the ladies was excitedly sharing the fact she was getting a new Microwave Oven. But she didn’t say she was going to “buy” or “purchase” one – she used the word “acquire” – she was going to acquire a Microwave Oven.
The conversation wasn’t making a lick of sense to me and I blurted out, “What in the world are you talking about?!”
Startled, and puzzled, she wondered what the problem was. I explained, “I’ve got this vision of a choir loft full of Microwave Ovens with the doors opening and closing, the lights going on and off, and the buzzers buzzing…”
King of Kings! Lord of Lords! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
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